Islamorada

Small stores aren’t doing enough to drive the economy, Islamorada officials agree.

ISLAMORADA VILLAGE OF IDIOTS — Finally realizing that big-box stores are the “wave of the future” and “there’s no need for anything else” Islamorada Village council Friday banned new Mom-and-Pop stores from now until global warming makes the islands a memory.

“We’ll need all the tax revenues from all the village’s businesses from now on to pay for our hurricane insurance,” said Chris S. Claws, Village Councilman and managing coordinator for insurance continuity and subterfuge. “There’s no time like today to plan for yesterday. Because, as we all know, tomorrow is only yesterday’s today,” Claws clipped. “We shouldn’t wait for tomorrow to capitalize on the past’s future folly of today.”

While shaking hands with every single developer in the Florida Keys, Chris quipped about the “100,000-square-foot” requirement under his breath, away from prying microphones. Apparently, no stores smaller than that will be allowed. After the announcement, all of the small business owners who had showed up were arrested for “crimes against commerce.”

“What a fine sight,” Patty Schmatty, Viceroy Mayor said. “It’s just great to see this scourge on true capitalism separated from its life.” After the business owners were gone, the rest of the community was quiet. Village memos from Mayor Bobby Johanson were issued. They read: “Your neighbor’s fate might be your own, keep quiet and don’t talk to the press. That is all.”

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